Friday, 07 November 2008

About South Africa

I suspect these questions were tampered with, but it is amazing how stupid questions can be, especially about a country like South Africa. I would not be surprised if Australians get similar questions.

Korea knows as little about the RSA as we know about them, so I've had a few amazing questions already. My all time favourite is "Where is South Africa?" The possible answers are endless.

Before you start on the list of questions, note that Hillbrow is a notoriously dangerous place with very high crime rates.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
(It is likely more like a thousand, but what is a thousand between friends?)

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
(Actually, the African bee can be VERY aggressive and thus dangerous in groups, but not on the scale you get with the mutants in the Americas)

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
(I hope I get a change to tell someone this some day. The best I ever did to was to convince someone that Cape Town is a county on it's own, as it should be.)

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Roboseyo said...

this post made me howl.

from a canucker who faces ignorance about Canada, too, thanks, eh?

so, uh, have you heard of Nelson Mandela?

Otto Silver said...

I spoke to him yesterday evening on MSN. He wanted to talk but I had to go to bed. He still doesn't get the time zone thing.

I admit that I know very little about Canada. I always thought you had Eskimos as slaves. No I know you are not allowed to call them that any more ;)

Julianne (aka Kelly) said...

Thank you for the funny post. I laughed out loud at almost every response you wrote.

GOOD ONE! (er, MANY!?)

Otto Silver said...

Only the blue is mine. The whole post is basically an e-mail that does the round every now and then. I found it again the other day and thought I would post it because like the Ken Lee movie clip, it is always good for a laugh.

I knew that people who have been out of their own countries for some time will be able to identify with it.